I can't share this letter with anyone I know, so I've decided to share it with strangers. Its to a guy who I met this summer. We had barely a week together and I feel quite melodramatic about the whole thing. I'm a walking cliche. Nevertheless, I have to tell someone how I feel, even if it can't be him. He'll never know, because I'll never see him again. I think it describes everything perfectly, and If I could tell him anything, it would be this. I'm working on writing down exactly what happened, maybe sometime I'll publish it here, but that's for another day.
To Ben.
Music is so important to me because I can never quite seem to put things into the right words. Words diminish. I don't know what to say. I guess if you were here right now, I'd be angry. I'd want you to know that while you were forgetting me, I was in a doctor's office, scared to death and hoping to God he wouldn't tell my mom. While you were pretending I don't exist, I was buying a preganacy test in a drug store, because I was nine days late. I was there with a true friend, who endured the condescending looks and remarks at my side, not because he did anything wrong, but because you did. Because you weren't there. You couldn't be, but you also wouldn't have wanted to be. I know all of this, and I would want you to know.
I also know that you're just a guy. It doesn't make it right, but it makes me understand better. Very few guys would have done the right thing in that situation, and anyways, its kind of my fault. I made it pretty easy for you to hurt me.
But thats not my main regret. I mainly regret not telling you...I didn't expect much of you. I didn't even expect a phone call after that night. But you did call. You acted like you wanted to talk to me, and that I don't understand, because you made me care in those weeks that followed, then you stopped caring, which made it a whole lot worse. I didn't expect you to date me or wait for me. Just to be my friend, so I wouldn't have to look back with pain or regret. Did you not owe me that much? Did you not at least owe me an explanation? But like I say, I understand why you acted like you did. What guy wouldn't? I shouldn't have expected more from you.
I like to pretend that after that night you ceased to exist. It ended then. Because all I have from you are good memories. We never had anything bad happen to end us because we barely began. I wish it could be different, I wish I knew you'd be with me right now if you were here and not there, but I know that's not so likely.
I'd tell you all of this, and I'd act angry. But I'd only be that way because it makes me sad. Because you were different from anyone else I know, and because knowing you exist means I have to settle.
I'd act angry because I'd feel you deserve it, but really, I forgive you. Completely. Because when you were so excited to be with me, so ecstatic when you heard my voice on the phone, I think you meant it. I don't know what changed, maybe you got scared, maybe you found someone else, but it's not important. We had very little time, but I'm glad. And I wouldn't change it. I want to be with you, but I can't, and I can deal with that. I can find someone else...even if it won't be the same.
I regret that we can never be friends most of all, but we're pretty far past that now. I wish you the best of everything.
<3 ~ XXXXXX
love
